I remember the first time I saw Johann Hari’s Ted Talk suggesting that the opposite of addiction was connection, I was furious.
How dare he suggest to all the mama’s out there in the world, who have kids struggling with addiction, that we were not connected enough. Heck, 3/4 of the mom’s I knew where so over-connected that they were crippling their kids. I truly felt like he was slapping all of us in the face, who had done our best to love our kids well.
Since then I’ve read many more books and listened the dozens of experts in the field. Studying the affects of generational behaviors, environmental factors, mental health disorders and now screen time and how all of those things affect our connections with other people, I know believe that the opposite of addiction is connection
Wait? But I was a good mom right? I loved my kids. Heck, I even gave up a 6 figure salary to stay home with them. So wrestling through the idea that somehow I could have possibly had a part to play in un-connectedness, was a tough pill to swallow. Yet, if we were to be honest with ourselves the very moment that the symptoms of the disease of addiction begin to manifest we start the process of disconnection. My process started long before that with my difficult child. Strong-willed, oppositional, and over-determined, I think from the time he was 2 I went into self-preservation mode. Not having learned the skills I needed to stay patient and empathetic with my difficult child, if I were to be honest, I would have to admit that I hid a lot of the time. And I pulled away. Inadvertently sending the message that my son was “bad” or “difficult.” And I am certain that even without saying those words, he felt that he was different, that he was a disappointment.
And then when extremely negative behaviors start to manifest because of the use disorder, we pull away even more. We have to protect ourselves. And we are told to disengage. And in that way the disconnection becomes even greater. We began to slowly realize that our self-preservation tactics were destroying our family as they manifested in anger, frustration and shame-based language. None of this was ever intentional. We told our son that we loved him 3 times a day. But our ACTIONS and our TONES and our LANGUAGE didn’t communicate love.
When the family is in chaos and the negative behavior patterns have been established over years, connecting is not easy. It may take a long time. And it may not work right away. I get a lot of skepticism from people who have loved ones that have stolen from them, lied to them, used them up and left them to “bleed out” (figuratively speaking). So it will take time. And it will take perseverance. And it will take a total shift in OUR attitude. However, it does work. It has changed our family. And I have personally worked with families radically transformed by being intentional in their efforts to form connections with their loved ones, even when their loved ones were “out there” using, were hard to love, were resistant and were even in attack mode.
In the coming weeks I will be sharing ways that we can reconnect with our loved ones, even when they are resistant. Even when things have been so bad for so long.
Loving well works.